I "found" Jake. I had to wait a bit before I could share because I have been in turmoil trying to sort out my emotions. I thought I knew where he was, I was lied to about it, and I believed that lie for several years. That one fact has caused me a lot more turmoil than knowing he was OK would have.
He is clearly healthy and happy. I am grateful that the people who have him are taking good care of him, I just wish they were not lied to by the caseworker and even more so I wish they had not believed her lies. Even more I wish she did not have a near pshycotic need to erase us, his family of origin.
At our second Christmas without Jake she gave me a gift. His handprint in a frame. I put it away and did not look at it again until this morning. I now realize that the decision had been made well before termination of my rights....they had chosen Jake and that gift was my consolation prize. Her way of telling me that he was "hers" now. She had already made her decision. I would still go thru months of stress, agony, and hope. All for nothing. Jake had been sold into adoption.
She would come up with every justification on earth to qualify her need. The need of a childless woman, a childless couple with a big empty house. It was "God ordained" that Jake came to her. He was "heaven sent". They were "blessed" with a child made especially for them. Adopters do that...I have found; give God the glory for something they couldn't accomplish on their own. As cruel as it seems I have come to the place where I have no sympathy for the childless couple....I believe being childless is God ordained also....for His own reasons which I refuse to ponder.
Selectively ignoring the reality of who Jake is and where he came from seems to be part and parcel in the adoption market. For myself and countless thousands of family members who are suffering at the need of childless women to become mothers I say.....Love thru justification of a person's actions to "have" a child is in fact not love at all but the fulfillment of a deep seated need for acceptance and control.....that need to be a "mother" comes at the destruction of countless lives....How dare you presume that your pain of being barren should come with the tragedy of making me childless.
I do not understand their need to hoard him all to their self....hiding in a sense from something that will win out in the end.....Jake loved and was loved by many people. At the time Jake was #TAKEN he had sixty four immediate family members who loved him. The passing of four of those family members and the births of several more have changed the numbers. Not that it matters, Jake won't get to know his new cousins.
It was clear to me from the first time I met her that she wanted Jake for her own child. The first thing she ever said to me was, "We would keep him". Little did I realize at the time that the adopter's wishes take precedence over every other person involved in the #TAKEN child's life. My first words ever to her were, "He has a family". Only much later would I realize how meaningless that would be in the corrupt family court of Louis A. Duel.
Childless couples who want a child are clearly a priority for judges like Luke Duel, who base their decisions in funding not in best interest. After all those decisions "pay the bills". Realizing that I had been lied to by own attorney, as well as DHS, the judge, the district attorney, the CASA, and those idiots teaching the parenting class is a pill I will never swallow. Jake may be happy now but the truth will come along eventually. His genetic heritage and his predisposition to bi-polar disorder are going to be a part of the package that those folks don't have a saddle for. Everything will go along OK....until the day it doesn't anymore.
Adopters don't realize their little bundle of purchased joy comes with "benefits". Issues such as PTSD, memory, medical conditions, genetic disorders cannot be erased by giving a kid a new name and a perfect bedroom.
The issues that Jake has that were blamed on me, his mother, his father, the environment were just excuses for the true goal by DHS of servicing the adoption market(and getting paid to do it), were part and parcel of Jake since day one. Mental illness is a genetic inherited condition. Those conditions were why I had searched for help for Jake before he was #TAKEN.
So here I am....staring at the gift a woman gave me....only now coming into the full realization of the implication of that gift. Her way of "closing the door". It may have worked for her...but it will never work for me. Or for multiple thousands of families of #TAKEN children. We are out here.....with millions of tons of unresolved grief, pain, depression, PTSD and volatile emotion that is being addressed by NO ONE. Sub citizens who's grief is secondary to your happiness.
There is surely a better way.