I woke up early this morning, as I do every day. My first thought is(as always) a little prayer for Jake: please God bless him and keep him safe.
Then my thoughts turn to the childless woman who just had to "have" him. The first words out of her mouth to me....."we would keep him". Like he was some kind of merchandise to be bargained for.
Your incessant need to be a mother destroyed many lives, destroyed my family and destroyed me.
Your justifications and your obsessive compulsive need to "shelter" Jake from the realities of his genetics are biting you right in the ass.
You medicate him. Your attempt to "cleanse" him of the realities of his birth is a daily struggle for you. Even with all your degrees and experience in the field of mental health....he still puzzles you. Guess what? He always will.
Is he sitting across from you right now eating his breakfast? A bit grumpy and squirming around? As is his natural way. Or have you medicated him into submission?
Does he still try to ride the dog? That was an issue for you early on. His unruliness.....the first thing you mentioned to your counselor buddies.
Look at him. Those long legs.....almost too long to be normal.....he will soon tower over you and everyone in your family. He will have power beyond anything you now imagine. He will be driven by a force within him that you have no concept of.
Look at his earlobes. The Pfeiffer genetics are firmly entrenched in every fiber of his being. Have his hands stopped moving? EVER?
I....better than anyone alive know what broods behind those startling grey/green/blue/gold colored eyes of his. Have his eyes turned that steel cold blue yet? They will. The first time the uncontrollable rage flashes out of his soul like lightening. I saw it there, developing......when he was very small.
Don't feel inadequate. He wore me out every day......and I was used to the Pfeiffer Rage. I grew up in it, bore it and raised it....long before little ole Jake came along. Just hang on....for dear life sometimes.....that genetic marker can seethe for months....sometimes years.....unabated. It can be quite exhausting.
That was your choice though.....to assimilate him. To erase his past and make him a "good boy". How's that working for you? Be honest with yourself even if you can't be honest with the people and world you live in. He's a handful....isn't he?
I just caught myself smiling at the memories I have of him being a little messer boy. He got into E V E R Y T H I N G all the time. Sooooo much like his father, quick to laugh and finding the strangest things hysterically funny. Brooding....that quick...changed. The idea of his obsessiveness directed at you gives me no small amount of pleasure this morning.
You deserve that and so much more....that I promise you....is headed right down the tracks of mental illness.....straight to you.
You wanted it...him and now it's more than you know what to do with.
His father is nearly out of control now....the loss of his son has nearly destroyed him. Your happiness at the cost of his life. Do you wake up with that thought ever? Or have you erased Robert and the rest of Jake's family with your OCD need to be "normal".
I bet your last words of wisdom will be similar to mine: Happiness cannot be built on the ashes of the destruction of other lives.
As you head to work and dump him off at some kid care....do you heave that little sigh? That sigh that includes so many things about your life the way it is now? Oooops! That made me chuckle.
Genetics. They can be so hard on the strangers in our lives. Those interfering, nosey "fix it" people...lol....you. All the psychology degrees in the world will NEVER adequately explain Jake to you. That one little fact comforts me immeasurably.
What's for dinner "mom"? Little did you really know....what the cost of those words would be. What I'd really like to know is what your answers were to Where's my memaw? Can I go see her? Why? Why? Why? You asked for it...now you have to live with it. All of it.