This photo popped up in my memory photos this morning.
I think of you often Jake. Not much makes me cry anymore.
But as I looked at this photo....this morning....a tear fell onto the screen of my phone.
Will I see you again? Will God allow me that blessing? He took everything from me the day you were #TAKEN.
The pain never heals....joy never returns in the loss of a living child. I could not move forward in my family life without you Jake. I watched them all go.....silently....I was incapable of stopping the destruction of my family. It was as if I were watching a movie....that I no longer played a part in.
I watched my children turn away. With relief. I let go of grandchildren younger than you.
I just do not have the capacity for this heart to hold any more love for those I am supposed to love with my whole heart. A heart that has been stabbed full of holes by a judge, caseworker and CASA becomes incapable of a lot of things.
Empathy for your adopters for example. All that whining about you being "God's Blessing" and in the next breath saying what a handful you are. We already knew that didn't we.
The handful that you were for me(and the reason you were #TAKEN) is now the martyrdom of your adopter's. They thrive on that....savior of an abused child storyline.
I'm not buying it and neither should you Jake.
This photo is an intimate moment of a small boy and his examination of Christ on the cross. As active members of the Catholic Church of St. Eugene.....Jake and I had many discussions about Jesus.
I...as a Sunday school teacher had all the answers for Jake and he was confident that our Catholic Jesus was his friend.
Do you know our Catholic Jesus now Jake? I tend to think not because Stephanie told me in our first meeting that they attended church occasionally when they were not at Lake Texhoma.
I found that statement troubling but then I believed you would still be coming home. I did not know you had been evaluated and chosen as "The Perfect Fit" for this childless "foster parent"....who had never had a foster child before.
This photo and the several thousand other photo's I took of a little boy named Jake are all I have now. Oh yeah.... and my memories. Of a family destroyed forever.....so a childless woman can say she is now a mom.
I wake every morning with the knowledge that you are lost to me Jake....for now....maybe forever....the love does not fade with time, effort or new grandchildren. I am deeply saddened that I cannot love them....or anyone....the way I loved you. It just isn't there.....my heart just cannot bear anymore love.
I wander in a sort of half life....existing alone....not caring that my children turned away....no longer able to be hurt by a no invite to family functions....those grandchildren will be OK....the risk of loosing them because I lost you is too great a risk for me to take a chance on. I just cannot.....and so it is....as I continue in the period of waiting.
Wondering....do you ever think of me and the happy days of baptism and our Catholic Jesus? The days I loved so much....and only now realize how precious they really were. That haircut and that Ledo Tux....the Crucifix in your hand are all all I have now....for that I am grateful......but tears still fall today and everyday....for the memory of you Jake....the memory of a little boy who looked up at me and put his little hand in mine.....and walked down to the Baptismal Font.....with Faith in his little heart and Jesus on the Cross in his other hand.
Carved into my memory forever.